CHAPTER ELEVEN: A FINAL INTERVIEW

(Episode 3)

"Welcome back, Cindersara. It's so good of you to give us another interview."

"I'm pleased that you're willing to give me another chance with some easy questions so that America can get to know the real me."

"I hope you don't mind, but the campaign managers insisted I bring a companion along. His job is to sit away from the cameras and poke me ever so gently with this here pole when I say something stupid. We call him Lancelot."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm sure everyone hopes you won't have much work to do."

"All right, you're on."

"With me this afternoon is Cindersara, for a final interview before the votes start coming in. Staff has spent a great deal of time and thought to come up with appropriate questions, so let's begin.

"Cindersara, you have five children. How many diapers have you changed in your lifetime?"

"How many.....? Well, a lot, Cathy. I've changed a whole bunch of diapers, by golly, and Tad...my husband Tad...he's changed a lot, too. And we've brought up our girls knowing how to change diapers in this Great Country of Ours. "

"That gives a whole new meaning to the term 'agent of change'."

"It sure willikers does. And if Johnny Main and I are so privileged as to be elected, we will continue the good work, cleaning up messes and all left by those liberals in Congress. So thank you, Cathy, for that good hard question that helps those wonderful hard-working Americans out there get to know me a little better."

"If you and Senator Main are elected, what changes do you forsee under your leadership?"

"Well, first off, Cathy, we wouldn't be wasting good clean taxpayers' money on stupid research projects, like studying fruit flies and mold and yucky stuff like that...OUCH!"

MEANWHILE.......

Many of Cindersara's old high school pals from Pitstop are gathered at the Coffee Shop to watch the interview on the television there."

"If Cindersara gets to be president, what government position do you guys want?"

"I dibs Attorney General."

"I didn't know you went to law school."

"You have to go to law school to be the Attorney General? Well, that's a stupid rule."

AND BACK TO THE INTERVIEW....

"Let's talk a little about education. You are in favor of a modified form of sex education that does not include information on birth control."

"That's right, Cathy. Otherwise, how're you gonna catch them when they're doin' it?"

"On another subject, I understand that you favor capital punishment. Could you talk a little about that?"

"Capital...oh, I got it! You mean the death sentence. You don't have to use such big words, Cathy, let's talk in common everyday language of the common people out there in their kitchens and in their pews and on their barstools. Joe the Plumber and Jemima the Auntie and Jack the Rip...well, no, not him, but you get the idea. That's what I identify with, the common folk, on account of that's where my roots are, back there in Pitstop, Laska. Do you know that in Pitstop we have more stripmalls per capita than in any other place in the nation?"

"No, I hadn't heard that. So, getting back to capi...the death sentence. As you may know, in recent years as many as 241 inmates -- some of them on death row -- have been cleared by DNA evidence, sometimes after decades in prison. How do you answer critics who contend that we can never be sure we aren't executing an innocent person?"

"Oh, gol' darn it, there you go again, Cathy. Another hard question."

"Sorry. I can't help myself."

"I know you can't, Cathy. You're just a member of the media elite, always trying to make me and Johnny Main look bad, but of course the American people in this Great Nation of Ours have learned that you're not to be trusted. You never report the facts."

"What facts have we missed?"

"Why, all of them. Every single blessed one that the American people in their little communities across this Great Nation of Ours should know about, so they can make a fair decision when they go into that polling place. Under a Main-Cindersara Administration...if we are so privileged as to be elected...this will change."

"What will change?"

"Everything. All that...you know, stuff."

"You've been very critical of Barrocky. I would like to give you the opportunity, if you'd like to take it, to expand on your vicious criticism."

"I'd love to take that opportunity, Cathy. Did you know that Barrocky has been seen in the same airport as those there 911 hijacker terrorists."

"At the same time?"

"Well, no, but the point is he's frequenting places where terrorists congregate. You know, you can pick up terrorist ideas that way. Especially if you don't wash your hands after you touch the handrail and doorknobs and things."

"What'd I say? What'd I say?"

MEANWHILE....

Over at Mabel's house, Jeff is watching the interview of Cindersara. He has just returned home on leave from the Rocky War.

Mabel comes in with the vacuum, but turns it off out of consideration for him, given all that he's been through in the Rocky War and all.

"Darling, I need to ask you a very important question. Does anything that woman say make sense?"

"Oh, no, of course not."

"Phew, I thought I'd taken too many blows to the head over there."

"But she loves America and she's one of us: I never read the Constitution either, and I can understand why she doesn't bother -- it's really really boring."

"Well, you know, I think I'm going to vote for Barrock. I believe it's the best thing for the country."

"What?! You would put your country before your own party? But...but what about 'America First'. Does that mean nothing to you?"

While Jeff and Mabel sort that out, let us return to The Interview....

"Cindersara, you have spoken often of the pro-America American and his anti-American counterpart. Could you explain how you know which individuals are anti-American?"

"Good question, Cathy. I anticipated that you would ask that very thing, and so I brought a visual aid."

"This is a diagram of the dominant features of the anti-American, which should help your viewers better identify them.

"You'll note the strong nose, the firm set to the jaw, the thoughtful cast of the mouth, the high intelligent brow, the steady gaze. If you see someone with features like this, you should run for your li...excuse me, Kathy, would you mind turning your head to the side?"

"Well, actually, we've just run out of time. Cindersara, I want to thank you for coming on the show again. It's always a pleasure having you. You know, I really mean that. You make me look and feel so smart."

"You're welcome, Cathy. I have that effect on a lot of people. I'm so glad you had me, and I'll be sure to send you a thank-you note, but not tonight, because I'm gonna be kinda busy."

"Okay."

Is this where I say "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'?"

"No. Wrong show."

"Oh. Am I bad. Well, toodles, then...put that stick down!"

Credits

Flower arrangement by: Tiny Blooms

Cindersara's jacket on loan from Sacks on Sixth Avenue.

View courtesy of inhabitants of Anchorage, Alaska and the antediluvian crashing of tectonic plates giving rise to the totally awesome Chugach Range, with contribution from that celestial body known locally as "the Sun".