EPISODE 15: HEARTS AND STUFF

CHAPTER 65: VALENTINE TREATS

In the Ratchet Kitchen, Alice is preparing for Valentine's Day with her best friend, Mikey Small.

When along comes Henry.

Alice: "Ewww. Henry! That is so gross. Mom told you not to do that."

"Shut up, Pipsqueak. It's empty anyway. Hey, are those cookies?"

"Yummers."

"You leave those alone, Henry, or I'll tell Mom. They're for our friends."

"Okay, okay, don't have a cow. They look pretty good, though. Do you think I could have one to give this girl at school? I want to impress her and I don't have any money to buy her anything."

"Well, okay, but just one. We'll wrap it for you."

"Thanks, Pipsqueak."

"No problem."

Mikey: "Did you tell him they were made of playdough?"

"No. It'll be a surprise."

CHAPTER 66: A SECRET VALENTINE

(Episode 15)

Sharon: "You're late. Again."

"Sorry, we couldn't find Randi's shoes."

"Maybe she should have to buy her own shoes. Then she'd remember where she left them."

"She's four years old!"

"Never too late to learn the value of a dollar. By the way, somebody delivered these flowers and candy for you."

“From a secret admirer. I don't know anyone who would...oh wait! Don't tell me it's from Sammy. Oh no."

"That wouldn't be a surprise. He obviously has a crush on you. Here he comes. Be nice.”

“You’re telling me to be nice.”

“Just so I don't have to be. Somebody has to be a curmudgeon. It's the yin and the yang, the law of relativity. For every up there is a down, for every optimist there is a pessimist."

"Can I help it if I'm the chosen one?"

“Hi Sammy.”

“Oh, hey, Mitzi. How’s my favorite gal today?”

“Just admiring the wonderful flowers and Valentine candy someone left for me. Anonymously.”

“Wow. Looks delicious.”

“Would you like one?”

“Sure.”

Mitzi: “You know, it’s very thoughtful of someone to give these to me. I hope that person isn’t too upset if the feelings are not reciprocated.”

“That could be a real downer.”

“What?! He didn’t give you any pecan clusters?! What a jerk.”

“I feel fairly confident in concluding that it wasn't him."

CHAPTER 67: ALL GROWN UP NOW (ALMOST)

(Episode 15)

Kelsey (in blue): "Did you get any valentines?"

Ursula: "Nope."

"Me neither. Well, just one from my mom. 'Doris the Spelunker wiggles her way in to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day'."

"Oh, that sucks."

"I know, huh? So embarrassing.

"I'm like, really! Mom! I'm eighteen years old. Waaaay past the Doris the Spelunker stage. Of course, it's a sign of maturity if you can let your parents treat you like you're eight years old. I just don't know if I'm there yet."

"Did you get any cash in it?"

"Twenty bucks."

"That softens the pain."

"Yeah. I'm already past the suffering. In fact, I'm really looking forward to what the wee Easter bunny leaves in my basket along with the butterfly barettes and color crayons."

"Wow, you really are maturing."

CHAPTER 68: IN A PEOPLE HOUSE

(EPISODE 15)

"Happy Valentine's Day, Mabel."

"If you're speaking to me, you should know that on this planet Valentine's Day fell on a Sunday. It's Thursday."

"Oops. I guess you noticed."

"I did. And I wonder if you noticed that I haven't been getting up and making your coffee in the morning? Or that when you asked if you had any clean underwear, I directed you to the dirty laundry hamper? Did you happen to notice when you said it was a good day and I said 'for some people'."

"I noticed. I thought you were going through delayed post-partum depression."

"Delayed eight years?"

"Hey. In fairness to me, I know a woman who says it only hit when her kids turned thirteen."

"You never ever remember the important dates. Like birthdays and anniversaries. I'm wondering if you're even happy to be married to me. Maybe you should have married Miss Prissy Maybells when you had the chance."

"Missy Praybells. I never had a chance. I was ten when she entered the convent at the age of 23."

"Please don't ruin my moment with facts."

"You want me to sleep in the doghouse?"

"Yes, thank you. Right now I don't like anything about you."

"Okay."

"Wait...on second thought! I don't want to say something I'll regret."

"Oh?"

"There are somethings about you I do like. Could you leave the rose and the candy? As long as they're here?"

"Did I ever tell you how very glad I am that you're a house dog?"

CHAPTER 69: OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE AND INTO THE...

(Episode 15)

"I can't help it I forget dates that are important to Mabel. Valentine's Day. Anniversaries. Birthdays. The annual day-after-Thanksgiving sale. She thinks it's because I don't care, that I take her for granted, but that's not true."

"Men are just genetically programmed differently than women. We're designed for battle and adventure and the hunt. They're designed for raising children and finding the best sales on pink pumps. Together we make a good team, but there's bound to be a few internal coordination glitches. "

"If she were a soldier, I could have her punished for insubordination. Demoted. Make her scrub the toilets with a toothbrush. I'm a good officer. I should run this marriage like my unit. I just need to be stricter with her, that's all. Let her know who's boss."

"It was the no-fraternizing-with-officers clause that did it. In the military it's a rule. In marriage it's a threat."

CHAPTER 70: LOVER OR STALKER

(Episode 15)

Mitzi is on the phone with her sister.

"...beautiful flowers and candy from a secret admirer and I have no idea who he is. I imagine him as being tall and dark and handsome, strong but compassionate, direct but sweet, intelligent but with a good sense of humor. Someone who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. With a steady paycheck. The difficulty is...I don't think I know anybody like that."

"Maybe that's the problem. Maybe you're looking at it from the wrong direction. Maybe he's someone with his heart in the right place, but he's not perfect. Maybe he's got some personality deficits."

"You mean like Sammy? Although I'm not sure his heart is in the right place...I'm thinking it's either growing in the lining of his stomach or maybe behind his left ear."

"Or somewhere else. Anyway, try thinking in terms of somebody less admirable and you might figure out who it is. I mean, Prince Charmings do come with warts. Just like everyone else in the world."

"Good point."

The next day, at the Daily Grind Coffee Shop, Rita from the Tynee Blooms Flower Shop stops by for coffee. Mitzi is explaining about the secret admirer.

"...so then Sammy says 'what a jerk, he didn't give you any pecan clusters' and I started thinking about it, and I realized he was right. I mean, who buys the cheap candy without the clusters? Obviously someone who puts money before sentiment, who skimps on the important stuff. A miser with no respect for women. I'm sure he must be ugly, because why else wouldn't you want someone to know who you are?"

"Certainly a coward. Maybe it's a stalker."

"Oh, you are so right, as usual."

"You better be careful, Mitzi, the world is full of strange people."

Rita takes her leave, coffee in hand, and Mitzi turns to the next customer.

"Oh, hi, Finnegan. The usual?" Mitzi's heart flutters a bit at sight of the police detective.

"Uh. No, no. Upon reflection, I'm thinking I'll just turn and stalk out of here."

"That was strange. I wonder why he didn't want his usual mocha and bagel."

Sharon: "Are you naturally obtuse or is your brain just going through it's mid-winter freeze?"