CHAPTER 40: THE NIGHTMARE ON BARBIE'S BIRTHDAY.

(Episode 9)

continued from Chapter 39, Episode Nine. Scroll down to read all of Episode Nine, or click on the "May" link to right.

Where is Barbie? What mysterious things are going on at the Ratchet house? Summoned by little Alice Ratchet via her best friend Mikey, the Smalls come to the door to investigate.

They find quite a crowd in the foyer and living room, male and female, young and old.

Jeff Small extends his hand to Henry. "So, I hear you've got a famous guest."

"Oh, hi, Major Small. It's nice of you to come. Are you a fan of Barbie's?"

"By marriage only. So she is here."

"In the plastic. Right now she's visiting with Aunt Betty in the kitchen. We're going to surprise her. It's her birthday, you know."

"So I heard. I guess she should be ready to collect social security by now."

At that moment there is another knock at the door. Mabel, who is nearest, opens the door.

"We got a call that there's a problem here."

"A problem? Here?"

"Something about bad guys after Barney. Would that be Barney, the purple dinosaur? Or Barney, the guy who lives next door to the Flintstones?"

"Officer, that was us, we called. And it's not Barney they're after, it's Barbie."

"Barbie who?"

"Surely you've heard of Barbie, the famous fashionista...the iconic image of improbable feminity?"

"The symbol of the excesses of the 20th Century? The triumph of capitalism? The original material girl?"

"I know Barbie! She was my idol when I was growing up. She was such an inspiration to me and all my friends! I used to make myself throw up after every meal so I could have a wasp-waist just like her."

"Oh, her! Down at the shop, we call her the Hate Crime Magnet. It used to be just your run of the mill mutilations and careless accidents --you know, arms pulled off and like--the work of immature criminal minds. Pervs-in-training, we called them.

"But lately there's been a rash of sophisticated attacks. Yesterday we found a number of Barbie look-a-likes with their heads ripped off. The diabolical work of some insane monster who apparently likes to switch them to other bodies. Just a hobby, she confessed. Can you believe it?

"And last week? Horrible. Called to the scene where someone had thrown polish remover in a Barbie clone's face to obliterate all her features. You'll never guess the motive! Turns out, the perp didn't like her looks, wanted to give her a re-painting. " [shudder] "The implasticanity of it! Try to imagine the excruciating pain of having your eyebrows burned off hair by hair, your eyes dripping off your head like melting wax, your mouth slowly fading as you soundlessly scream."

"Daddy!"

"It's all right, honey, the nice policeman has been watching too many late movies. (Thanks for the nightmares, Officer)."

"It makes you wonder if there really is Someone Up There watching over us. How could any Higher Being allow these kinds of atrocities to happen?"

Hey! It's all a matter of perspective. One person's atrocity is another's hobby.

to be continued....